


Sam's Oh So Wonderful Day

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode: s02e09 Galileo, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-08
Updated: 2000-12-08
Packaged: 2019-05-15 01:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14781119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Sam's not so wonderful day.   Major Sam Whumping





	Sam's Oh So Wonderful Day

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Title: Sam's Oh So Wonderful Day 

Disclaimer: Don't own. Never will. 

Summary: Sam's not so wonderful day. 

Warnings/Spoilers: Major Sam Whumping. Up until Galileo although no big spoilers 

Archiving: Yes, as long as you tell me where. 

Notes: This is completely tongue and cheek, not meant as anything that might be construed as harmful. Also I had read a similar piece but I think Sam whumping can be equal oppertunity and I didn't plagerize.

 

Sam's Oh So Wonderful Day 

By Ali Cherry

Sam could tell the day was going to be bad, from the moment his alarm went off. The beep beep noise warbled and slowed, sounding more like a dead cat then the usual efficient alarm clock he had since he was in college. He tapped the snooze button to put the alarm out its misery and sighed as the noise continued.

With one hand he reached down and pulled the plug, sighing when the noise stopped. Fumbling with one hand he reached for his watch and found it, flicking the indiglo button and waiting. He waited some more. He leaned over and turned on the lamp, and sighed again. His watch had stopped.

Sam prayed to the Gods for Mercy, then rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. The phone rang. The phone ringing when he was still in bed was never a good sign. It was almost guaranteed to mean that his shower would be rushed, his face would look like it went ten rounds with his razor, his razor having won, and he wouldn't be home again any time soon.

"Sam Seaborn."

"Sam? It's CJ, you need to come in right now."

"CJ, what time is it?"

"I know it's early but-"

"No, really. My watch died, what time is it?"

"Oh. It's four oh seven."

"Thirty minutes, CJ. I'll be in, in thirty minutes." He hung up and rolled out of bed, thunking to the floor as it rose to greet him. "Oh God, one of those days." Sam crawled to the bathroom on his hands and knees, praying for the patience to make it through the day.

@@

Sam entered into the White House and Four forty AM. Three minutes late, but when you counted the fact that he had had to sit down for a second after his eye had collided with some woman's elbow on the metro, it wasn't that bad.

"Sam!" CJ called. He turned to look toward her, stilling holding a hand over his eye. "Good you're here. Josh and Toby will be in after Starbucks opens and Leo will be in soon. What's wrong with your eye?" CJ asked as she pulled his hand away.

"I had an accident on the Metro." Sam told her as he walked to his office to set his stuff down.

"That's going to be a shiner."

"The fact that it's swelling hadn't clued me in, thanks."

"Don't you have a speech at that high school, today?"

"I won't know that until Cathy comes in." Sam threw his things down beside his desk.

"Well when she gets here and you panic, come see me, and we'll try to cover that shiner."

"Thanks, CJ." Sam moved out to the coffee pot in the communications bullpen, and grabbed the basket and pot, taking both with him to the bathroom. CJ followed him into the men's restroom as Sam set the basket down and began rinsing out the coffee pot. "So, what's so urgent that you needed me in here an hour before I usually get in?"

CJ watched as Sam dried the pot with a towel he had picked up at one of the secretaries desk and sighed. "Do you know the thing we were working on last night?"

"Yeah, I finished the comments at about one in the morning."

CJ took the coffee pot out of Sam's hands and held it. "Mary Rollins called."

"No, tell me no."

"They attached a rider to the bill this morning."

"No."

"Sam."

"I am so tired of this bullshit. I might as well have stayed in New York for all the good I'm doing here." Sam finished rinsing the coffee basket and headed out of the men's room, CJ hot on his heels.

"Sam, you don't mean that."

"I'm tired, my alarm clock died, my watch stopped I have a black eye, five cuts from shaving, razor burn cause I'm out of shaving cream-" Sam pulled the coffee can out from under the counter. "And we're out of Coffee!" Sam dumped the basket and the towel beside the coffee pot and went into his office to hide. CJ looked at the coffee pot and sighed.

Sam walked back out. "I'm sorry CJ. It's just been-"

"A really bad morning. I know, but Toby and Josh are coming in." CJ put the coffee pot back together, and turned to look at him.

"I'll be better when they get here, especially if you can hijack Josh's coffee for me." Sam smiled and gestured behind him. "I'll start making some calls."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

@@

Sam had made it through the morning meetings with everyone, despite the constant references to his face. He had spent ten minutes with CJ and her magic cover up and now was getting ready to walk out to talk to a hundred all girl students in one of DC's worst neighborhoods, and to say he was apprehensive was putting it mildly.

The teacher, who had greeted him, had said "man" with such disgust he was sure that he was being sent to the slaughter. Ainsley owed him so big for this. This had been her gig until she had had to go home for her sister's wedding.

"Hello, I'm Sam Seaborn, Deputy Communications Director for the White House. I've come to talk to you about the exciting opportunities that await, bright young women such as yourselves when you graduate from High School." Sam cleared his throat and glanced nervously at the students as they hissed and booed him. Sam looked at the teacher and his eyes widened as she smiled slightly.

"Excuse me, Mister? What kind of jobs are we talking about? Cause there is no way in hell that I'm going to be some weak kneed idiot's assistant." One of the students called out.

"There are other job's besides assistants, although, I don't know anyone more hardworking that the President's assistant, Mrs. Landingham. For instance, Deborah O'Leary is Secretary of Housing and Urban development."

"I told you I didn't want to be a secretary."

"I meant a Cabinet Secretary."

"I said no."

"CJ Cregg is the Barlet Administration's Press Se-Oh. There have been several -"

"What was CJ Cregg? A Press what?"

Sam cowered behind the podium. "Secretary, but she's not-" Sam ducked as something came flying at his head. "Hey. CJ's job is amazingly important and she has to put up with some pretty crappy stuff from the Press. You shouldn't judge" Sam never finished the sentence as more objects came hurtling towards him. Distantly he heard the shrill of whistles, as a full soda can connected solidly with his shoulder.

"Bad day, Bad day, Bad day." A heavy boot knocked his foot out from under him and he went sprawling. Sam curled up in fetal position as twenty girls stormed the stage and began to beat on him.

@@

"You're limping." CJ commented as she joined Sam walking in from the parking lot.

"I hurt every where. Tell me how the bill is going."

"Worse. More people have signed on because of the rider."

"Lovely." Sam stopped at the yellow hall and looked both ways. "Should I start with Josh, or Toby?"

"Josh. Toby's been asking for you for the last hour."

"Josh it is." Sam turned towards Josh's office and tried to smile at the Donna, who turned and slugged him, hard. Sam felt the blow near his good eye and felt the impact of the wall as he fell back. "Bad day." Sam slumped to the floor as Donna took off crying. No one in the bullpen helped Sam off the floor or looked at him twice.

"Sam! Get up off the floor; we have a bill to save. Wasn't your black eye on the other side before lunch? And are you limping?" Josh pulled Sam to his feet.

"Josh, Donna just hit me, do you happen to know why?"

"No, why?"

"I have no idea! She hit me, and started crying and then she ran away."

"You made Donna cry?" Josh asked, before running off to find his assistant.

Sam limped toward his own office to find some aspirin and maybe some quiet.

"Sam!" Cathy called out as Sam came insight of his office. "You look like crap."

"Please don't hurt me, Cathy." Sam cringed as she came near. "I don't know what I did to Donna, but as soon as someone tells me, I will apologize I swear."

"Whatever, look. Mary Rollins called."

"And?"

"She said that she decided to drop the rider."

"She did?"

"Yes."

"This isn't some sick joke."

"No, what did you do to piss her off?" Cathy asked following Sam into his office.

"Who? Donna?"

"No, Mary Rollins. She was pretty upset."

"Add her to the list."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing Cathy. So what's next?"

"Shouldn't you have someone look at that eye?"

"I'm going to the emergency room as soon as I'm done for the day."

"It's just a black eye, Sam."

"No actually, Cathy. It's two black eyes, a twisted ankle, a concussion and maybe some cracked ribs. By the way, I am never going back to that school again. Never, no way no how."

"Okay." Cathy moved to leave.

"Cathy?"

"Yeah." She turned to look at him expectantly.

"You can have the rest of the day off, if you want." Sam groaned to himself as Cathy's eyes narrowed and her hands moved to her hips.

"I suppose you want someone from the secretarial pool to come answer phones."

"I guess, if Ginger or Bonnie won't-" Sam trailed off.

"You just want me to call for Yolanda, don't you? You want her as your secretary. Just cause she wears Alley McBeal skirts doesn't mean that she' ll put up with sexual harassment, Bud. So you can just forget about it. I' m staying and I'm staying for more than the day, I'm staying the rest of your term in the office. I won't give you the satisfaction of leaving so you can two-time me with that, that... hussy."

Sam slid off his chair and crawled under his desk, ducking and covering, like he did in school. "Bad Day." He heard the door slam shut, but didn't move, staying in the protective position under his desk.

The door opened and Sam squeezed his eyes shut, wincing at the pain. "Sam?" Ginger asked.

"What?" Sam called softly.

"Zoey is here to talk to you."

"Tell her not today, please."

"Sam? Why are you under your desk?" Ginger walked over and leaned down to look at him.

"I'm just, I mean. I want to, never mind. Could you tell Zoey, another day please?"

"Sure thing, Sam." Ginger turned to walk away and leaned back suddenly. "Oh." Sam slammed his head into the desktop above him. "Toby's looking for you."

Sam crawled out from under the desk and stood up, shakily. "Ginger, tell Toby and anyone else looking for me, that I'm taking the rest of my meetings in the men's room."

"Sam?"

"Yes, I know there's a discrimination thing there, but I don't want to die, before you all sue me."

"Actually I was going to ask, are both those eyes black?"

"Yes." Sam limped past her, ignoring the dark looks shot at him from everyone.

@@

"Hey Sam. Leo says staff meeting." Josh walked into the men's room and looked at his friend camped out on the counter.

"I'm not coming out til most of the office has left. Preferably the half that wants to kill me."

"No one wants to kill you."

"I swear, Joshua. Every female has it out for me."

"They do not." Josh leaned against the counter and looked at Sam. Sam looked at nothing, his eyes closed trying to find something that didn't hurt.

"Josh. CJ woke me up this morning and told me I had to come in cause Mary Rollins attached a rider, something she took off after lunch. Ginger was running late yesterday so there was no coffee in the office after I rushed here, getting an elbow in my face by some unknown woman on the metro. Then, I do a favor for Ainsley and end up getting the shit beat out of me by twenty high school girls who don't understand that a Cabinet Secretary and a Press Secretary aren't really assistant positions, then I get back and Donna ambushes me on the way to see you about a rider that was cancelled. Cathy thinks I'm two-timing her because I wanted to tell her I appreciate her by giving her the rest of the day off, and Ginger scared the shit out of me, when she popped into my office to tell me Toby's looking for me."

"You got the shit beat out of you by twenty girls."

"Yes, Josh." Sam sighed and jumped down off the counter, favoring his foot that had swollen in the cold bathroom.

@@

"If it isn't the Bathroom Bandit." Leo said as Sam hobbled into his office.

Sam looked at the women seated on the couch and chairs and moved to leave the room.

"Sam, get back here. I'd like for you to meet the Women's auxiliary from Baton Rogue."

"Ladies, it's nice to meet you." Sam said quietly, holding his ribs and preparing to run for all he was worth.

"Mr. Seaborn, we just stopped by and thought we'd like to meet you. You are always such a gentlemen on television. And when we ran into Mr. McGarry here on our tour, well he said he could arrange it." The spokesperson stood up and shook Sam's hand. Sam on the other hand was still ready to bolt.

"Thank you, Ma'am. I try." Sam was trying to be nice, but he was really terrified of being in the room with ten older ladies.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Seaborn." The spokesperson motioned to the women still sitting and they all stood up. As the women passed by him, he was treated to pats on his sore hand and face and three of them pinched his butt as they walked by; one, stepping on his one good foot. Sam had tears in his eyes as the rest of the senior staff filed in.

"I know that was sweet, but it wasn't worthy of tears." CJ said as she walked by Sam.

"She stepped on my foot, with her heel." Sam squeezed out trying to breath. His ribs felt worse then that had a few hours ago and now, both feet pounded in sympathy with his head.

"The levels of infantile insanity you strive for amaze me, Sam." Toby moved around Sam and sat down.

"Where do we stand with the bill?" Leo tried to steer the conversation away from Sam.

"Mary Rollins dropped the rider. Don't ask me why." Sam said as he struggled to get around Leo's desk. The others didn't say anything as he curled up under it in fetal position.

"Actually she put the rider on because she had a pregnancy scare. When she got whatever you want to call it, she dropped it." Josh said avoiding eye contact with CJ.

"She starts to bleed and we get relief?" Toby asked. "Ow." He rubbed his head where CJ's hand had connected.

"Sam? Are you coming out from behind there?" Leo asked looking at his desk.

"No."

"Margaret!" Leo bellowed. Sam hit his head on the top of Leo's desk.

"Shit, ow, ow."

"Yes, Leo."

"Would you tell the first Lady, Sam needs to see her."

"NO! Leo she's a woman. Trust me, this will go away. I am properly frightened of women again. I won't ever think that I might be equal of them. They can beat me up at their will. Just please don't kill me." Sam was pleading from under the desk and Josh and Toby were snickering. To be honest CJ and Leo were laughing aloud.

"Sam." CJ tried to coax him out.

"I'm so sorry, for whatever I did. I didn't mean it, please just make it stop."

"Leo? Margaret said Sam needed me?" Abbey Barlet poked her head into the office, where by now the senior staff was laughing out right.

"He's under the desk, Abbey."

"Sam?"

"Please don't hurt me. I'll never sleep with a prostitute again, even though it was accidental. I'll never give Cathy the look for eating my doughnuts. I'll never yell at Ginger for not getting the work for me faster. I'll never push CJ to the ground, although I was trying to save her life and I'll never tell you that you're unprofessional again, even though I meant well."

"That's all very nice, Sam. But I can't tell if I need to call the rubber room, cause I can't see your eyes."

"He has two black eyes." CJ put in helpfully.

"Sore ribs." Toby said.

"Both of his feet hurt." Josh leaned up.

"And he got his butt pinched by a bunch of old ladies."

"Sounds like a good day at the White House." Abbey said as she held out her hands to Sam. "Come on, let's see if there's any serious damage to anything but your pride."

"Yes, ma'am."

The End

 

  

  


End file.
